Friday, January 29, 2010
Virgie again
I love Fridays. They are my group days. Today the topic of conversation was Valentine's Day. Old ladies love to socialize and gossip, so I thought I'd start the group session by asking about the nicest Valentine's gift they've ever gotten. Virgie was in my group today. We went around our circle, with each lady talking about her nicest Valentine's gift and whether or not their husbands were romantic and thoughtful. Virgie's turn came around, and remember she's really hard of hearing, so I got up from my stool and went over to yell in her ear. "Was your husband romantic, Virgie?" And she looked up at me and said loudly, "Which one?" We all started laughing and I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Your 2nd one." She started giggling and said to the entire group, "I've had so many, I don't remember which one was second." That got all the ladies rolling!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Mabel
This just happened. I'm at work and probably shouldn't be writing this right now but whatever.
It's raining outside pretty hard and there is a chance of hail this afternoon. I'm driving my husband's truck today and he was concerned about possible hail damage, so he came to my work to take his truck home to safety. The front of my nursing home is all glass windows and my husband called me to let me know he was out front to get the keys. I went outside to give him his keys and he pulled me in for a big wet one. A nice smooch in the rain :) I went to walk away and then turned to smooch him again one more time. We said our goodbyes and I went back into the lobby. 'Mabel' happened to be sitting in the lobby near the windows, and as I passed, she called out to me to come over there. "Any more of that and you woulda done got alot more wet if you know what I mean!" And her eyes gazed downward at my 'pretties.' I cracked up. I love Mabel.
It's raining outside pretty hard and there is a chance of hail this afternoon. I'm driving my husband's truck today and he was concerned about possible hail damage, so he came to my work to take his truck home to safety. The front of my nursing home is all glass windows and my husband called me to let me know he was out front to get the keys. I went outside to give him his keys and he pulled me in for a big wet one. A nice smooch in the rain :) I went to walk away and then turned to smooch him again one more time. We said our goodbyes and I went back into the lobby. 'Mabel' happened to be sitting in the lobby near the windows, and as I passed, she called out to me to come over there. "Any more of that and you woulda done got alot more wet if you know what I mean!" And her eyes gazed downward at my 'pretties.' I cracked up. I love Mabel.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Carol
I usually do group therapy sessions on Fridays. It gives the residents a chance to socialize with each other and it gives me an opportunity to get alot of people done at one time so I have a chance to catch up on paperwork later in the day. Well, one day I had several patients in the therapy room and we were practicing memory strategies.
I was explaining that one way to help remember a person's name is to come up with an adjective that begins with the same letter as the first name of the person whose name you're trying to remember. Now, let me stop and explain who was in my group that morning: a 65 year old Caucasian man with a traumatic brain injury from a car wreck, 2 Caucasian ladies who had been really ill and needed some help with their cognition, and Carol, a 40 year old African American woman who had been on drugs in recent history and as a result, had severe brain damage from lack of oxygen to the brain. So after explaining, I said, "Ok, let's each try to come up with a way that the rest of the group can remember us by using this strategy." Almost immediately, Carol pipes up and says, "Well...I'm the only f***ing black one in here." A little stunned and trying really really hard not to laugh, I told her, "Well, that is true, but let's try to come up with an adjective that starts with a 'C' that describes you. That's the strategy we're working on." She thought for a long time, started giggling, and said, "What about Crackhead Carol? Heh Heh Heh. That pretty much sums it up for everybody." Needless to say, not a single person in that room forgot Carol's name.
I was explaining that one way to help remember a person's name is to come up with an adjective that begins with the same letter as the first name of the person whose name you're trying to remember. Now, let me stop and explain who was in my group that morning: a 65 year old Caucasian man with a traumatic brain injury from a car wreck, 2 Caucasian ladies who had been really ill and needed some help with their cognition, and Carol, a 40 year old African American woman who had been on drugs in recent history and as a result, had severe brain damage from lack of oxygen to the brain. So after explaining, I said, "Ok, let's each try to come up with a way that the rest of the group can remember us by using this strategy." Almost immediately, Carol pipes up and says, "Well...I'm the only f***ing black one in here." A little stunned and trying really really hard not to laugh, I told her, "Well, that is true, but let's try to come up with an adjective that starts with a 'C' that describes you. That's the strategy we're working on." She thought for a long time, started giggling, and said, "What about Crackhead Carol? Heh Heh Heh. That pretty much sums it up for everybody." Needless to say, not a single person in that room forgot Carol's name.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Virgie and Eula
My parents are divorced. I'm not going to go into the juicy details, but the gist of the whole drama (and it is drama, believe me) is that several years ago my dad decided to have an affair with a much younger woman. Which would be bad if that's all it was. But it's worse when that woman is the small-town America head football coach's wife who taught with my mom at the same elementary school. Needless to say, my mom and her aren't on the greatest of terms. And that's putting it very very nicely. If they were ever in the same room (even if it was 30 or 40 years from now), I'm afraid one of them would not make it out of there alive. And I'm pretty certain I know which one that would be. What in the heck does that have to do with funny nursing home stories you ask? Well, here's why.
We had a lady named 'Virgie' admit to our nursing facility for rehab. She was coming from home and had had a spell that left her really weak. She needed rehab, so we had her sweating to the oldies in our therapy room. Anyone tooling around the halls is likely to wheel/walk by our room, because it's on the same hall as the dining room. And for those of you who haven't been to a nursing home, there are two times of the day that the elderly look forward to--meal time and the time when their bowels move. So the therapy room gets alot of foot traffic! Anyway, so here's Virgie doing her exercises when along comes 'Eula' wheeling to the dining room. Eula is a very social lady who has the beginning stages of Alzheimer's. She always says hello coming and going from the dining room. And she has the most distinct voice--you can hear her from a mile away. Anybody ever watched Slingblade? Well, Eula sounds like the guy from that movie...you know, the guy who, after every sentence, says "Mmm Hmm?" So all of a sudden, I hear, "Virgie Vernon is that you?" And Virgie, who I always thought of as really sweet and a little deaf, replied, "Damn straight it's me Eula North." And a staredown takes place. Then Eula says in a loud voice, "You bitch!" Virgie smirks and states..."You're still pissed off, huh?" And being the one who is supposed to be in charge and is supposed to create some sort of order, I come between them. "Whoa whoa. What is going on here ladies?" And Eula proceeds to tell me that Virgie had an affair with her ex-husband 30 years ago and they ran off together with Eula's kids. And I look at Virgie, really just expecting her to tell Eula what a big fat liar she was. But nope. Virgie looks at Eula and then does a Vanna White hand motion down her body. "And look what he got." HA.
Needless to say, I made sure they weren't on the same hall. But the funny thing is that this happened about a year ago, and now, Virgie and Eula sit together at the same table in the dining room. They drive each other crazy but in some twisted way, they have become friends. I still hear Eula tell Virgie to "shut the hell up about her indigestion" or Virgie bark at Eula to quit sleeping during lunch, but for the most part, they tolerate each other.
We had a lady named 'Virgie' admit to our nursing facility for rehab. She was coming from home and had had a spell that left her really weak. She needed rehab, so we had her sweating to the oldies in our therapy room. Anyone tooling around the halls is likely to wheel/walk by our room, because it's on the same hall as the dining room. And for those of you who haven't been to a nursing home, there are two times of the day that the elderly look forward to--meal time and the time when their bowels move. So the therapy room gets alot of foot traffic! Anyway, so here's Virgie doing her exercises when along comes 'Eula' wheeling to the dining room. Eula is a very social lady who has the beginning stages of Alzheimer's. She always says hello coming and going from the dining room. And she has the most distinct voice--you can hear her from a mile away. Anybody ever watched Slingblade? Well, Eula sounds like the guy from that movie...you know, the guy who, after every sentence, says "Mmm Hmm?" So all of a sudden, I hear, "Virgie Vernon is that you?" And Virgie, who I always thought of as really sweet and a little deaf, replied, "Damn straight it's me Eula North." And a staredown takes place. Then Eula says in a loud voice, "You bitch!" Virgie smirks and states..."You're still pissed off, huh?" And being the one who is supposed to be in charge and is supposed to create some sort of order, I come between them. "Whoa whoa. What is going on here ladies?" And Eula proceeds to tell me that Virgie had an affair with her ex-husband 30 years ago and they ran off together with Eula's kids. And I look at Virgie, really just expecting her to tell Eula what a big fat liar she was. But nope. Virgie looks at Eula and then does a Vanna White hand motion down her body. "And look what he got." HA.
Needless to say, I made sure they weren't on the same hall. But the funny thing is that this happened about a year ago, and now, Virgie and Eula sit together at the same table in the dining room. They drive each other crazy but in some twisted way, they have become friends. I still hear Eula tell Virgie to "shut the hell up about her indigestion" or Virgie bark at Eula to quit sleeping during lunch, but for the most part, they tolerate each other.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Cecil
Here's one from today.
Side note: Please forgive the vulgarity. I'm just telling it like he said it.
I went in Cecil's room to check on him at lunch. Cecil is on a pureed diet (looks like baby food) and he has a tendency not to eat it. Sometimes I don't blame him. Anyway, I asked him how his lunch was and his response? "Tasted like shit." I said, "Well then, why did you eat it? You can always ask for something else at lunch." And he replied, "Well, I'm starving and I figured it would be better to eat shit than to eat nothing at all." I laughed and said, "You didn't even like your dessert? I think it's apple crisp." And he thought for a second...and said, "I tasted it and you know what it tasted like? Opossum cum. You ever had opossum cum?" To which I quickly replied, "Nope. Sure haven't." (Who the heck has even thought about tasting that???) And he said, "Welp, I've eaten it and it tastes like shit. Just like that dessert." So I left--I didn't have much to argue with him about. Because I'm sure opossum cum is pretty darn nasty, and if the dessert tasted like it, I wouldn't want to eat it either.
Side note: Please forgive the vulgarity. I'm just telling it like he said it.
I went in Cecil's room to check on him at lunch. Cecil is on a pureed diet (looks like baby food) and he has a tendency not to eat it. Sometimes I don't blame him. Anyway, I asked him how his lunch was and his response? "Tasted like shit." I said, "Well then, why did you eat it? You can always ask for something else at lunch." And he replied, "Well, I'm starving and I figured it would be better to eat shit than to eat nothing at all." I laughed and said, "You didn't even like your dessert? I think it's apple crisp." And he thought for a second...and said, "I tasted it and you know what it tasted like? Opossum cum. You ever had opossum cum?" To which I quickly replied, "Nope. Sure haven't." (Who the heck has even thought about tasting that???) And he said, "Welp, I've eaten it and it tastes like shit. Just like that dessert." So I left--I didn't have much to argue with him about. Because I'm sure opossum cum is pretty darn nasty, and if the dessert tasted like it, I wouldn't want to eat it either.
Ned the Pervert
When I first decided to write a blog about my job and the funny things I hear from geriatrics on a daily basis, I realized that I could not begin telling funny stories from the day I started the blog. I have too many hilarious things that I've written down that happened 'pre-blog.' So I want to share those first.
The first side-splitter that I was a part of happened 2 weeks after starting this job. I was fresh out of graduate school and was still wet behind my ears, so to speak. I evaluated a man with middle stage Alzheimer's disease and put him on my caseload. Funny thing about him--let's call him Ned--the more advanced the Alzheimer's got, the more perverted he became. More than once, I had to slap a hand away and tell him sternly, "No I will not get in bed with you." So one day I decided to take Ned to Bingo...get him socialized and become more of a part of our community. We sat with another one of my patients, a sweet little lady named 'Doris'. And I warned Doris--I said, "Doris-please don't take offense if Ned says something inappropriate. He can't help it." She assured me this would not offend her and we started the Bingo game. It wasn't 5 minutes into it when Ned looked at Doris and said, "Damn you got a nice pair of titties." I was in shock--and Doris started laughing so hard she couldn't breathe. I kept apologizing and got really really red. She caught her breath and said, "He really must be out of his mind--I've had a double mastectomy. But thank you just the same honey."
The first side-splitter that I was a part of happened 2 weeks after starting this job. I was fresh out of graduate school and was still wet behind my ears, so to speak. I evaluated a man with middle stage Alzheimer's disease and put him on my caseload. Funny thing about him--let's call him Ned--the more advanced the Alzheimer's got, the more perverted he became. More than once, I had to slap a hand away and tell him sternly, "No I will not get in bed with you." So one day I decided to take Ned to Bingo...get him socialized and become more of a part of our community. We sat with another one of my patients, a sweet little lady named 'Doris'. And I warned Doris--I said, "Doris-please don't take offense if Ned says something inappropriate. He can't help it." She assured me this would not offend her and we started the Bingo game. It wasn't 5 minutes into it when Ned looked at Doris and said, "Damn you got a nice pair of titties." I was in shock--and Doris started laughing so hard she couldn't breathe. I kept apologizing and got really really red. She caught her breath and said, "He really must be out of his mind--I've had a double mastectomy. But thank you just the same honey."
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